It was 4 o'clock in the morning & I could hear the rain falling outside. I'd been awake for hours - unable to sleep because of the unrest inside me. I crept out from underneath my mosquito net & knelt down on the dusty, wooden floorboards. What was I doing here? I'd come to Tonga, thinking I would be able to give so much. Instead I was so broken & empty inside, there was nothing to give. Like I had done so many times before, I cried out to God. 'I need You. Please help me. Please take this burden away. Take this darkness from me.' & then I fell silent, waiting. I wanted to be whole, I wanted to be a free & happy person. I knew this was something bigger than I was capable of fixing. And so, like I felt I'd been doing for so long, I waited.
We are all waiting for something. Constrained by the limits of time, we spend our lives waiting. Every day we find ourselves waiting for a red light to turn green, stuck in a long queue at the supermarket, looking forward to the time when our toddler no longer needs to be in nappies. All trivial stuff. But what about the bigger things? The young lady waiting to see if the invasive & painful surgeries, chemotherapy & radiation treatments have been successful, a couple, trying to conceive, anxiously waiting & hoping that this will be the month, an elderly couple having lived a long, hard life, tired now, just waiting . . .
I have learned that there is nothing quite like sharing the company of a couple of busy preschoolers all day, to make me realize I really am not a very patient person. I seem to be endlessly waiting for them - and on them! However, I know that in order for them to learn, sometimes I have to allow them to work things out for themselves & then practice over and over and over and over . . . . & sometimes that takes a LOT of patience! But we expect that, right? They are just little people after all.
Waiting for God is a whole other story. The way I see it He's God Almighty. All-knowing, all-present, & most importantly all-powerful God! He can do anything. At the snap of His fingers . . . He doesn't even have to snap His fingers & its done. And I'm His child, right? So, its not unreasonable to suggest that any kind, loving parent would give their kid what they need . . . is it? I'm not even talking about wants - I mean, I get that if I ask Him to let me win the Lotto, or to randomly be given some flashy new car when the one I have is just fine, that maybe He's not going to give it to me. But what about when we come to God in genuine need - asking for healing from an illness, some kind of intervention in a marriage that is going under, help when we don't even know how we will pay the bills this week . . .and instead of seeing Him answer the way any good parent should, we find silence and are left waiting.
In those times of waiting, I think we have three choices. Firstly, we can throw our hands up in frustration & disgust & walk away. In this instance I have found myself overcome by a sense of hopelessness & dismay and anger towards God. 'I'm nothing to Him. He doesn't care about me. He's sitting there in His lofty heights & has forgotten I even exist.'
We can try to force His hand, attempting to manipulate Him into making a move. 'Come on, can't You see I need this? Don't You love me? If You really loved me, You'd do something!'
There is a third option. And that's to keep on waiting. When you are waiting for something that you NEED, that can actually be a very difficult, even painful experience. Why would we keep waiting? Why should we keep trusting? What is there to hold onto when we all we can do is wait?
His promises.
Isaiah 30 v 18 - Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!
Psalm 40 v 1 - I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.
Isaiah 64 v 4 - Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him.
It can be hard waiting, especially when we can't see how things will work out, when we are hurting, when we have been waiting for so long. But when we remember Who He is, a God of love & compassion who listens to His children, we can wait knowing that He won't let us down. Even though our circumstances would suggest otherwise, we can rest in Him, knowing that He will be faithful to come through.
Habakkuk 3 v 16b - 17 - . . . Yet I will wait patiently . . . though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour.
Psalm 5 v 3 - In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.
Micah 7 v 7 - But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Saviour; MY GOD WILL HEAR ME.
As I knelt on the floor in the darkness, I wondered if God even heard my cry, if He would ever take away the hurting. I opened my Bible & stumbled on this glimmer of hope - Psalm 118 v 5 - In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free. It has been a long & difficult journey but He has been faithful to me, bringing healing & lifting me out of the darkness. And I believe that He is a kind & loving parent who longs to give His kids what we need, in His time.
Ecclesiastes 3 v 11 - He has made all things beautiful in His time.
Recently I heard international speaker, Joel Holm speak on 'Waiting for God' which has helped me further my understanding on the subject & helped shape my ideas, expressed here. If you want to learn more from this awesome guy here's a link to his own blog. www.starthope.com
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Monday, November 7, 2011
in the eye of the beholder . . .
I remember once, as a little kid, being snuggled up in bed next to my mum. I listened to the long, slow, even breaths in & out as she slept. I moved away from her a little, propped myself up on my elbows and watched her with curiosity. I studied her face – the line of her eyebrows, her round, jubey nose, her lips slightly parted, the shape of her cheeks, her chin. I remember squinting my eyes, trying to view her, not as my mum who i had known my whole life, but as a stranger would see her, just some random lady. I had always seen her as beautiful but i found myself asking, ‘what does she really LOOK like?’ and ‘is she really pretty?’
Earlier this year i started gaining weight rapidly & in an effort to counter that, i joined a weight loss program. I had checked with the doctor what my healthy weight range was, & set myself a realistic weight-loss goal. I was sharing my progress with my mother-in-law when she asked me, ‘so, why are you trying to lose weight anyway?’ I thought about it for a few seconds & then replied that i wanted to be fit and healthy for my kids, & that i wanted to make an effort to look attractive for my husband. That was the truth. Partly. What i didn’t share with her was the other part. The part about my life-long desire to be slim. Deliciously slim. Maybe even a little bit skinny.
As long as i can remember i have struggled with my appearance – feeling overweight & unattractive. I have spent a considerable amount of time either trying to lose weight or feeling guilty because i wasn’t trying to lose weight. I have at times, loathed my appearance & felt angry at God for making all these beautiful people . . . & then making me. At best, i have tried to accept that i am just not that attractive, & tried to get on with the more important aspects of life. I would worry that the readers of this blog might think i’m a tad self-obsessed or slightly neurotic (i don’t completely disagree) except that, i have a sneaking suspicion i’m not the only female to feel this way. And don’t get me wrong. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with trying to maintain a healthy body weight, or making an effort to look attractive.
But i believe that this is more than that. There is this sick, distorted perspective of beauty which finds me gazing at the underweight models in magazines, & the tiny, toned, bronzed bodies of singers on t.v. & longing to look like them. Where i stand on the scales & in dismay, exclaim to my husband that i have only lost 200 grams instead of a kilogram. Or looking at old photos & instead of thinking ‘i was having such a great time there’ or ‘what a wonderful memory’ i find myself thinking ‘yuck, look how fat I was there’ or ‘what was I thinking, wearing those unflattering shorts?’. And from the discussions i have had with many girl friends, i know i’m not unique in holding this unbalanced perspective. It is rampant among we women. Bred into us from an early age. And yes, we are bombarded with messages from the media that tell us if we just diet a little more, try this treatment or buy that product maybe we can be beautiful too. But i don’t believe the worst culprits in all of this are the media.
Research is revealing an alarming rate of girls with an unhealthy perception of body image. I recently watched a documentary where a random group of girls between the age of about 8-9 to 12 years were shown three photos of themselves. Two had been distorted so that the girl looked thinner or heavier than the third, accurate picture. They were asked to identify which photo was the ‘real’ them & which they felt they should look like. An overwhelming amount of girls felt the photo that showed them as larger was the genuine thing, & almost all of them said that they most preferred the underweight version of themselves. The researchers expected media & peers to be the most significant influences in the way girls viewed themselves. However, during conversation, after the ‘experiment’, the subject of how their mothers’ viewed themselves, arose. One girl after another shared how their mother would stand in front of the mirror & make remarks like, ‘I’m just a fat pig’. . . ‘I need to lose some weight – my bum is huge’. . . ‘I hate my big stomach’. At the conclusion of the experiment, the findings were shared with the mothers. Firstly they were alarmed to think that their young girls felt that way about themselves, and secondly they admitted that they had indeed made those negative comments in front of their daughters, on a regular basis. This in turn, was having a significant impact on the girls' self-image.
I am ashamed to admit the amount of time I have spent discussing my weight & desire to be thinner with friends, my sisters & mother & my husband, in my daughter’s hearing. I began writing this blog in February this year, but abandoned it because of my ongoing struggle & because I wasn’t in a position where I had overcome my own shortcomings in this area. I do know that if there is anything I can do to avoid my daughter having these same struggles I have had – the constant guilt, self-loathing, dissatisfaction then I will do my best to change but I really believe it requires an overhaul in my thinking. I love Bugsy so much. I know that she is beautiful & that she will always be beautiful. But I also know that in coming years she is going to be assailed with messages from the media & sadly, from her peers that will seek to tell her otherwise. To impart in her a healthy view of self, I believe, is my duty to her. So, I have a lot of work to do.
I have a few ideas about where to start. And i know i can't do it in my own strength.
Romans 12 v 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
. . . and i would so value the imput of others who have been here & experienced transformation in this area. Be gentle with me.
Romans 12 v 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
. . . and i would so value the imput of others who have been here & experienced transformation in this area. Be gentle with me.
I studied my mum’s face as she slept & asked myself, ‘is she really beautiful?’. I don’t know how long i stared at her but finally i gave up, slumped down & snuggled in next to her. She was my mum, she loved me & i loved her. Of course she was beautiful.
I know in all of this i have only really talked about physical beauty. In my head, i know that real beauty is much more than that. Maybe choosing to focus on true beauty is a good place to start.
I read this story once as a little girl.
The villagers had worked hard preparing the ground, sowing the seeds, tending the crops. Finally it was harvest time. Every able bodied adult, men & women, helped with the harvest. The children played in the fields nearby. As the long day of toiling under the hot sun drew to a close, the villagers wearily began to make their way back to their homes to rest before another day out in the fields. Hearing a small child’s wail, one of the village women rushed to the little girl, upset at becoming separated from her mother.
‘What is your mother’s name?’ she asked. But the little girl could not tell her. No one nearby knew who the girl belonged to. When asked to describe her mother, the child only replied, ‘She is the most beautiful woman in the whole village’. The most beautiful woman in the village was called but when she saw the lady, the little girl shook her head. So another beautiful woman was called but again, she was not the child’s mother. Yet another attractive woman was called, and another, and another but none knew the little girl. Only the most plain women were left. Each was brought before the child but still she shook her head. The village elders were puzzled and by now the child was very distressed. ‘Is there any other mother here in the village?’ they inquired. Some of the villagers looked at one another, uncomfortably. Yes, there was one but . . . suddenly they heard frantic calls & looked to see a woman running towards the little girl. ‘My baby, my baby,’ she cried. ‘Mama,’ the child wailed. As they embraced, the village elders stared in confusion. This woman was overweight and old, toothless, with a large nose & bushy eyebrows. The little girl turned & beaming joyously, announced, ‘Thank you for finding my mama, the most beautiful woman in the village’.
Proverbs 31 v 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Psalm 45 v 11 Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
shedding the scales
Recently i watched 'The Voyage of the Dawn Treader' at the movies. i had read & re-read all the books from C.S. Lewis' 'Chronicles of Narnia' several times growing up & was especially captivated by the story of the Dawn Treader. Maybe the reason i enjoyed it so much was that it was a story i could identify with. All the main characters at one time or another had to face & conquer their demons. i could especially relate to the challenges Eustace had to face as the enchanted dragon.
Last year i had my own personal challenges to face. In fact for many months i could have been that dragon. Living a wonderful life with a loving husband & two great kids but unable to freely enjoy living in the fullness of that because i felt trapped. Trapped, not by my circumstances, but by my identity - by who i knew myself to be. Little 'niggles' that i had tried to manage or ignore for a long time grew & grew, until they were big issues that i could no longer push away or patch up. These interfered with & hindered my most precious relationships - with my husband & my children. i decided to seek counselling.
More times than i can remember, i regretted that decision. i had naively thought that i could sort these 'issues' out quickly, without any hard work, without having to engage. But in embarking on that journey i had unleashed a dragon. The dragon being me. During that time, i know i was incredibly hard to live with. i still marvel at my husband's patience & my childrens' willingness to forgive. Throughout that process i felt vulnerable & exposed. The more honest i became & the more i was willing to face up to, the more difficult things became. Much of the time i felt like i was suffocating, like i was constantly in a struggle. My mind was in confusion & i felt like i was in a battle. i would like to say that i fought couragiously. i didn't. Most of the time i just thrashed around wildly, lashing out blindly at anyone close by. Like i said, i am blessed with a very forgiving family.
In the movie, there is a short but pivotal scene in which the dragon is sitting on the beach, exhausted & scratching at his scales, attempting to shed his skin. In the end it is Aslan who must remove the scales & in so doing reveals the new Eustace. In the book, C.S. Lewis elaborates on this process & talks about the pain involved. This scene had a deep impact on me. During my time in counselling, i was able to identify significant past experiences that had contributed to the way i saw myself & life, and my resulting thoughts, beliefs & behaviours. This knowledge was helpful to some extent. But so what? i didn't know what to do with that knowledge. I couldn't feel what i was supposed to feel, i didn't know how to deal with emotions. I couldn't move forward. Like the dragon i had some limited success at removing some scales but there was no breakthrough, no transformation. I was exhausted, i couldn't fight any more & so finally i surrendered. Not to my situation, past experiences or to fate. i surrendered to Someone.
In the movie, there are moments that Lucy craves, moments she longs for; the times when Aslan appears - usually only briefly, when everything becomes still; time is suspended, & everything is in his control. I empathize with Lucy's longing. There were so many times last year when i longed for God to appear. i know it sounds crazy but i just wanted to know His tangible presence. i wanted Him to be there with me, physically. i thought, if He just came down, just for a moment, if i could touch Him, if He could tell me in an audible voice that He loved me . . .then everything would be o.k., everything would fall into place & i wouldn't have to struggle anymore.
Shortly before all of this struggling began i had a dream. i was walking along a road & to my right the road dropped away sharply. i was in total darkness & was moving forward very slowly & cautiously. Suddenly i stumbled & in an attempt to regain some balance i threw my hands out. In that moment my right hand connected with something. i realized it was resting on the side of some great beast & this beast was between me & the edge of the road. It was moving forward slowly & steadily, & with my hand still resting there i moved forward too, still unable to see anything. The feelings i experienced are difficult to explain. I could hardly breathe, terrified because i knew this beast was powerful & dangerous and yet . . . completely protected because of its presence. We continued to move forward silently until i reached safety & then it was gone. When i woke up i wondered if this might be something like being in God's presence.
Even though i knew it was only a dream, throughout the difficult times that dream would give me hope. And so finally i surrendered. i surrendered to God. & admitted to Him that it wasn't something i could sort out or control. i needed Him. And so He tore at the scales. it was uncomfortable. it hurt.
but then He spoke to me, not in a loud roar. More like a whisper. Through His Word & a picture, & a dream . . . and then there was a gentle realization that i wasn't the dragon anymore. i was me. but i was a new me.
2 Corinthians 5 v 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
Last year i had my own personal challenges to face. In fact for many months i could have been that dragon. Living a wonderful life with a loving husband & two great kids but unable to freely enjoy living in the fullness of that because i felt trapped. Trapped, not by my circumstances, but by my identity - by who i knew myself to be. Little 'niggles' that i had tried to manage or ignore for a long time grew & grew, until they were big issues that i could no longer push away or patch up. These interfered with & hindered my most precious relationships - with my husband & my children. i decided to seek counselling.
More times than i can remember, i regretted that decision. i had naively thought that i could sort these 'issues' out quickly, without any hard work, without having to engage. But in embarking on that journey i had unleashed a dragon. The dragon being me. During that time, i know i was incredibly hard to live with. i still marvel at my husband's patience & my childrens' willingness to forgive. Throughout that process i felt vulnerable & exposed. The more honest i became & the more i was willing to face up to, the more difficult things became. Much of the time i felt like i was suffocating, like i was constantly in a struggle. My mind was in confusion & i felt like i was in a battle. i would like to say that i fought couragiously. i didn't. Most of the time i just thrashed around wildly, lashing out blindly at anyone close by. Like i said, i am blessed with a very forgiving family.
In the movie, there is a short but pivotal scene in which the dragon is sitting on the beach, exhausted & scratching at his scales, attempting to shed his skin. In the end it is Aslan who must remove the scales & in so doing reveals the new Eustace. In the book, C.S. Lewis elaborates on this process & talks about the pain involved. This scene had a deep impact on me. During my time in counselling, i was able to identify significant past experiences that had contributed to the way i saw myself & life, and my resulting thoughts, beliefs & behaviours. This knowledge was helpful to some extent. But so what? i didn't know what to do with that knowledge. I couldn't feel what i was supposed to feel, i didn't know how to deal with emotions. I couldn't move forward. Like the dragon i had some limited success at removing some scales but there was no breakthrough, no transformation. I was exhausted, i couldn't fight any more & so finally i surrendered. Not to my situation, past experiences or to fate. i surrendered to Someone.
In the movie, there are moments that Lucy craves, moments she longs for; the times when Aslan appears - usually only briefly, when everything becomes still; time is suspended, & everything is in his control. I empathize with Lucy's longing. There were so many times last year when i longed for God to appear. i know it sounds crazy but i just wanted to know His tangible presence. i wanted Him to be there with me, physically. i thought, if He just came down, just for a moment, if i could touch Him, if He could tell me in an audible voice that He loved me . . .then everything would be o.k., everything would fall into place & i wouldn't have to struggle anymore.
Shortly before all of this struggling began i had a dream. i was walking along a road & to my right the road dropped away sharply. i was in total darkness & was moving forward very slowly & cautiously. Suddenly i stumbled & in an attempt to regain some balance i threw my hands out. In that moment my right hand connected with something. i realized it was resting on the side of some great beast & this beast was between me & the edge of the road. It was moving forward slowly & steadily, & with my hand still resting there i moved forward too, still unable to see anything. The feelings i experienced are difficult to explain. I could hardly breathe, terrified because i knew this beast was powerful & dangerous and yet . . . completely protected because of its presence. We continued to move forward silently until i reached safety & then it was gone. When i woke up i wondered if this might be something like being in God's presence.
Even though i knew it was only a dream, throughout the difficult times that dream would give me hope. And so finally i surrendered. i surrendered to God. & admitted to Him that it wasn't something i could sort out or control. i needed Him. And so He tore at the scales. it was uncomfortable. it hurt.
but then He spoke to me, not in a loud roar. More like a whisper. Through His Word & a picture, & a dream . . . and then there was a gentle realization that i wasn't the dragon anymore. i was me. but i was a new me.
2 Corinthians 5 v 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
a new identity
i'm breaking my rules tonight. This blog won't be about my children. It won't be an attempt at some well-constructed writing. i just want to write a little bit about what is currently going on for me. i am doing some growing & its really hard. i'm struggling. let me explain.
i was brought up in a Christian family. At 16 i saw so much hypocrisy in Christian circles & i was filled with doubt about the whole 'God' thing. i remember i was at a crossroads - would i chose to continue following this Christian faith or would i walk away from it all & find my own way? i was miserable at the time, empty & i felt like i had no direction. i cried out to God one night, just a simple request - 'God, you got to help me 'cos otherwise i don't know what i'm gonna do . . . ' that was all. Over the next few days i discovered a new peace, no big revelation or anything, just a quiet calm inside & something interesting when i read the Bible. It came alive for me in a completely new way. it spoke to me. i came to the conclusion that a lot of Christians ARE hypocrites (maybe we all are?) but i wasn't following them. i was going to follow Jesus. I chose Him.
Through my late teens & early twenties i struggled with depression. I didn't think of it as depression at the time. It didn't seem right that a Christian would batttle with depression. But i did, i REALLY did. I had this bizarre situation where i felt so close to God, like He was so real & relevant in my life & yet i was so miserable & didn't want to be here. i will share more about that some other time. The amazing thing was that in my first year of marriage to my utter disbelief & joy, i came through it. God really healed me in a lot of areas. Last year i stood up in church & shared some of my story. At the end i triumphantly announced that God had set me free!
Then this year it all blew up in my face. i found myself doubting whether i'd ever really been set free at all. i have to be honest, i have a pretty awesome life - a wonderful husband, two energetic, beautiful children. i love where i live, great friends . . . but . But.
Perhaps, for the first time in several years things have slowed down somewhat. Maybe i now have a little more time to sit & breath & reflect. Or maybe its just that God has His perfect timing to work things out? I'm sure there must be some Bible verse somewhere to support that statement. And part of my dilemma is knowing whether or not God has put His finger on something, that He is allowing this, or that i'm struggling simply because i'm a bad person . .. or, i don't know. Regardless, i'm struggling. All this stuff from years ago, coming up & shoving itself in my face, saying 'you have to deal with me now, whether you want to or not'. So inconvenient. Trying to learn how to forgive, & let go of anger, & allowing myself to feel some pain, instead of being numb. Its so hard. I don't want to even admit pain, it makes me feel weak. I feel like i'm fighting all the time, & i'm tired. i'm going to finish there. No, i'm going to leave with a song i wrote years ago, which has become relevant to my situation once again, something i wrote the other day & some Bible verses to speak some truth into the situation. I would value your input. Maybe you can speak some truth into this situation too.
When the darkness surrounds I'll hold on, hold on to you.
And when i don't know, just don't know why,
I'll hold on to you,
Right now i'm empty & i'm floating, will you hold on to me?
Right now my heart is grieving & i don't know why,
Will you hold on to me?
Could you lead me, & will you follow me?
Will you guide me through this place, if I hold on, hold on to you?
I long to know your touch & i can't understand why i can't be with you
But i know thats not for now . . .
Jesus, you are everything to me, & even though i can't see
I'll put my trust in you, & i'll hold on
I'll wait on you, I'll wait for you, carry me through.
2 Corinthians 5 vs 17 -19 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.
i am broken into a thousand tiny pieces and i despair,
there's no hope, how can i ever be made whole?
but then you come along & gently gather up these pieces,
& you cover me with your hand of Grace
& now all you see when you look at me, clothed in righteousness,
is purity
& you call me your girl, cherished & loved
& cautiously i step out in my new identity
Colossians 3 vs 9-10 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self, with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
1 Phillipians vs 6 . . . he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
i was brought up in a Christian family. At 16 i saw so much hypocrisy in Christian circles & i was filled with doubt about the whole 'God' thing. i remember i was at a crossroads - would i chose to continue following this Christian faith or would i walk away from it all & find my own way? i was miserable at the time, empty & i felt like i had no direction. i cried out to God one night, just a simple request - 'God, you got to help me 'cos otherwise i don't know what i'm gonna do . . . ' that was all. Over the next few days i discovered a new peace, no big revelation or anything, just a quiet calm inside & something interesting when i read the Bible. It came alive for me in a completely new way. it spoke to me. i came to the conclusion that a lot of Christians ARE hypocrites (maybe we all are?) but i wasn't following them. i was going to follow Jesus. I chose Him.
Through my late teens & early twenties i struggled with depression. I didn't think of it as depression at the time. It didn't seem right that a Christian would batttle with depression. But i did, i REALLY did. I had this bizarre situation where i felt so close to God, like He was so real & relevant in my life & yet i was so miserable & didn't want to be here. i will share more about that some other time. The amazing thing was that in my first year of marriage to my utter disbelief & joy, i came through it. God really healed me in a lot of areas. Last year i stood up in church & shared some of my story. At the end i triumphantly announced that God had set me free!
Then this year it all blew up in my face. i found myself doubting whether i'd ever really been set free at all. i have to be honest, i have a pretty awesome life - a wonderful husband, two energetic, beautiful children. i love where i live, great friends . . . but . But.
Perhaps, for the first time in several years things have slowed down somewhat. Maybe i now have a little more time to sit & breath & reflect. Or maybe its just that God has His perfect timing to work things out? I'm sure there must be some Bible verse somewhere to support that statement. And part of my dilemma is knowing whether or not God has put His finger on something, that He is allowing this, or that i'm struggling simply because i'm a bad person . .. or, i don't know. Regardless, i'm struggling. All this stuff from years ago, coming up & shoving itself in my face, saying 'you have to deal with me now, whether you want to or not'. So inconvenient. Trying to learn how to forgive, & let go of anger, & allowing myself to feel some pain, instead of being numb. Its so hard. I don't want to even admit pain, it makes me feel weak. I feel like i'm fighting all the time, & i'm tired. i'm going to finish there. No, i'm going to leave with a song i wrote years ago, which has become relevant to my situation once again, something i wrote the other day & some Bible verses to speak some truth into the situation. I would value your input. Maybe you can speak some truth into this situation too.
When the darkness surrounds I'll hold on, hold on to you.
And when i don't know, just don't know why,
I'll hold on to you,
Right now i'm empty & i'm floating, will you hold on to me?
Right now my heart is grieving & i don't know why,
Will you hold on to me?
Could you lead me, & will you follow me?
Will you guide me through this place, if I hold on, hold on to you?
I long to know your touch & i can't understand why i can't be with you
But i know thats not for now . . .
Jesus, you are everything to me, & even though i can't see
I'll put my trust in you, & i'll hold on
I'll wait on you, I'll wait for you, carry me through.
2 Corinthians 5 vs 17 -19 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.
i am broken into a thousand tiny pieces and i despair,
there's no hope, how can i ever be made whole?
but then you come along & gently gather up these pieces,
& you cover me with your hand of Grace
& now all you see when you look at me, clothed in righteousness,
is purity
& you call me your girl, cherished & loved
& cautiously i step out in my new identity
Colossians 3 vs 9-10 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self, with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
1 Phillipians vs 6 . . . he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
longing for some trusted truth . . .
One of the highlights of my school years was the annual sports day and family picnic that was held at the start of each school year. We would conclude the day with a swim at the local pools. I remember feeling quite brave as an eight or 9 year old, as I climbed to the top of the water slide & whooshed down into waist deep water. But it wasn't long before I was ready to take on the diving boards. I remember one year, maybe i was twelve or 13. It was near the end of the day & time to hit the pools. After splashing around in the water for a bit I headed for the diving boards. There were two of them - the short one and the high one. The short diving board was popular with most of the older girls & some younger children who were confident swimmers but the only kids attempting the high diving board were the college-aged boys. In a moment of mad determination i decided i too would jump from the high board. However, when i asked a teacher if this was ok, i was informed that girls were not allowed to jump; they must dive (due to health reasons). As i climbed the ladder, terrified, I knew that if i was going to go through with the dive, I needed to do it quickly, without any hesitation. Reaching the top of the ladder I stood, then carefully walked to the end of the board. I looked down to the water below. It looked further than i could have imagined. I took a deep breath, lifted my arms over my head & dived.
I imagine i emerged from the water that day; triumphant - the only girl, maybe the only kid in the whole school to dive from the high diving board. But that's not a memory that remains. The memory that does remain is more a feeling. The strangest sensation of falling through the air, waiting to reach the water for what seemed like an eternity. And i didn't like it.
When i was pregnant with my first baby i was fearful about what could go wrong, especially of miscarriage. i knew the statistics for miscarriage, especially in the first trimester. i was nervous about telling people that i was pregnant in those early weeks, like somehow that would 'jinx' things. I didn't want to get my hopes up or dare get excited in case it was all taken away from me. More specifically, that God would take it all away from me. i was scared that i would lose the baby & then it would be as though nothing had ever happened. As i thought about it & talked to a few people close to me i was able to get to a place where i felt ok about telling people i was pregnant. Because even though this little thing inside me was tiny, & couldn't yet be seen, she was a little life forming & i already loved her & if something bad did happen, then it would be ok for me to grieve. I held on to Ps 139 & just had to trust that God had my best at heart. It helped me to be in a more peaceful place during my pregnancy.
When my little girl was born i felt so blessed to have this treasure in my life. I told myself that it wasn't my right to be a parent, but my privilege. She wasn't mine, but one of God's children placed in my care to raise until she was capable of making it on her own. Which is all airy fairy, oops . . . i mean all good in theory. Except you kind of get attached to the little critters. And i was still so aware of how fragile this precious life was. And i was still fearful.
Last year my litle girl suffered a convulsion. There had been warning signs leading up to it but i had failed to pick up on them until it was too late. Amazingly, i was on the phone to a lady from Healthline at the time it happened. She told me what to do, then put me on hold while she called an ambulance. As i waited, my mind began to race - what was going on here? Would she be ok or was this something more sinister like meningitis? I was terrified she was going to die.
I began to pray and as i prayed, instead of being filled with peace & reassurance, i despaired. And as i watched my child convulsing, i once again experienced the strange sensation that i had jumping from the high dive that day. There i was endlessly falling . . . plunging helplessly with no control over anything. I should have felt like i was crying out to a caring, faithful Father. Instead i was overcome with a sense of helplessness, like i trying to reason with Someone random & unpredictable. I felt like it didn't matter what i said, He was just going to do whatever He wanted to, & i was completely powerless.
Bugsy quickly recovered from the convulsion & bounced back from the virus that brought it on, within a few days. However, i was left shaken, physically. But also spiritually. Up until that moment, if you had asked me about my faith in God i would have told you that i had a strong faith in Him, that i trusted Him. But that incident revealed to me my true feelings. I was shocked to realize that I really didn't trust Him at all.
Since then i have battled with this whole issue of trust. Ok, i get that we are in a fallen (sinful) world. And i realize that i'm just a small human, with limited understanding, who can't see the whole picture. Isaiah 55 vs 8 & 9 - 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.' But what about my friends, believing they were only able to conceive through IVF, elated to find themselves with a 'natural' pregnancy, only to lose the baby at 17 weeks? Or a pregnant woman who carries a healthy baby full-term, then discovering that her child has died in the womb, hours before birth? Or my own brother dying just days before his second birthday after a 'routine' eye operation that went wrong? Where is my caring, faithful Father in these situations? I know that sometimes against-all-odds miracles do occur. Its just that my heart says that He's supposed to be this all-powerful, loving Dad, yet i still find Him random & unpredictable. And if you can't even rely on Him to answer consistently when you pray, then WHAT IS THE POINT?
And then i have to stop & ask myself - does unpredictable equal unreasonable, irrational, unreliable? I don't think so. I look at my own life up until this point, and even though i have gone through some challenging times, I can say with honesty that He has never let me down. And I look at the Bible & what it says about His character and Who He is.
Hebrews 13 v 5b - God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'.
I have to be honest, I have rewritten parts of this blog more times than I care to remember. These last couple of weeks, this whole issue of ‘trusting God’ has weighed heavy on my mind. Today I sat down to pray & remembered the verse – ‘Be still & know that I am God’ – Ps. 46 vs 10a. And so, I was still . . . and as I sat there suddenly I was overcome with the knowledge that He Is God. The God of the universe, yes. Not random & detached . . . but there with me. How bizarre and humbling to think that He wanted to be there with me! That He wants a relationship with me. And that He is good.
Exodus 34 vs 6 The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness . . .
Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love . . .
And as I sat there in His presence, my doubt & distrust faded into the background. I don’t understand God. I don’t understand why He allows some tragic & unfair things to happen; why some prayers seemingly go unanswered. But I do know that He is good and I live in hope that one day I will be able to look back & understand the whole story.
1 Corinthians 13:12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised IS FAITHFUL.
Run away. Searching for release; some relief
Will it always be this way?
What comes of hope? Longing for some trusted truth . . .
Take a breath and look to the light.
I imagine i emerged from the water that day; triumphant - the only girl, maybe the only kid in the whole school to dive from the high diving board. But that's not a memory that remains. The memory that does remain is more a feeling. The strangest sensation of falling through the air, waiting to reach the water for what seemed like an eternity. And i didn't like it.
When i was pregnant with my first baby i was fearful about what could go wrong, especially of miscarriage. i knew the statistics for miscarriage, especially in the first trimester. i was nervous about telling people that i was pregnant in those early weeks, like somehow that would 'jinx' things. I didn't want to get my hopes up or dare get excited in case it was all taken away from me. More specifically, that God would take it all away from me. i was scared that i would lose the baby & then it would be as though nothing had ever happened. As i thought about it & talked to a few people close to me i was able to get to a place where i felt ok about telling people i was pregnant. Because even though this little thing inside me was tiny, & couldn't yet be seen, she was a little life forming & i already loved her & if something bad did happen, then it would be ok for me to grieve. I held on to Ps 139 & just had to trust that God had my best at heart. It helped me to be in a more peaceful place during my pregnancy.
When my little girl was born i felt so blessed to have this treasure in my life. I told myself that it wasn't my right to be a parent, but my privilege. She wasn't mine, but one of God's children placed in my care to raise until she was capable of making it on her own. Which is all airy fairy, oops . . . i mean all good in theory. Except you kind of get attached to the little critters. And i was still so aware of how fragile this precious life was. And i was still fearful.
Last year my litle girl suffered a convulsion. There had been warning signs leading up to it but i had failed to pick up on them until it was too late. Amazingly, i was on the phone to a lady from Healthline at the time it happened. She told me what to do, then put me on hold while she called an ambulance. As i waited, my mind began to race - what was going on here? Would she be ok or was this something more sinister like meningitis? I was terrified she was going to die.
I began to pray and as i prayed, instead of being filled with peace & reassurance, i despaired. And as i watched my child convulsing, i once again experienced the strange sensation that i had jumping from the high dive that day. There i was endlessly falling . . . plunging helplessly with no control over anything. I should have felt like i was crying out to a caring, faithful Father. Instead i was overcome with a sense of helplessness, like i trying to reason with Someone random & unpredictable. I felt like it didn't matter what i said, He was just going to do whatever He wanted to, & i was completely powerless.
Bugsy quickly recovered from the convulsion & bounced back from the virus that brought it on, within a few days. However, i was left shaken, physically. But also spiritually. Up until that moment, if you had asked me about my faith in God i would have told you that i had a strong faith in Him, that i trusted Him. But that incident revealed to me my true feelings. I was shocked to realize that I really didn't trust Him at all.
Since then i have battled with this whole issue of trust. Ok, i get that we are in a fallen (sinful) world. And i realize that i'm just a small human, with limited understanding, who can't see the whole picture. Isaiah 55 vs 8 & 9 - 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.' But what about my friends, believing they were only able to conceive through IVF, elated to find themselves with a 'natural' pregnancy, only to lose the baby at 17 weeks? Or a pregnant woman who carries a healthy baby full-term, then discovering that her child has died in the womb, hours before birth? Or my own brother dying just days before his second birthday after a 'routine' eye operation that went wrong? Where is my caring, faithful Father in these situations? I know that sometimes against-all-odds miracles do occur. Its just that my heart says that He's supposed to be this all-powerful, loving Dad, yet i still find Him random & unpredictable. And if you can't even rely on Him to answer consistently when you pray, then WHAT IS THE POINT?
And then i have to stop & ask myself - does unpredictable equal unreasonable, irrational, unreliable? I don't think so. I look at my own life up until this point, and even though i have gone through some challenging times, I can say with honesty that He has never let me down. And I look at the Bible & what it says about His character and Who He is.
Hebrews 13 v 5b - God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'.
I have to be honest, I have rewritten parts of this blog more times than I care to remember. These last couple of weeks, this whole issue of ‘trusting God’ has weighed heavy on my mind. Today I sat down to pray & remembered the verse – ‘Be still & know that I am God’ – Ps. 46 vs 10a. And so, I was still . . . and as I sat there suddenly I was overcome with the knowledge that He Is God. The God of the universe, yes. Not random & detached . . . but there with me. How bizarre and humbling to think that He wanted to be there with me! That He wants a relationship with me. And that He is good.
Exodus 34 vs 6 The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness . . .
Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love . . .
And as I sat there in His presence, my doubt & distrust faded into the background. I don’t understand God. I don’t understand why He allows some tragic & unfair things to happen; why some prayers seemingly go unanswered. But I do know that He is good and I live in hope that one day I will be able to look back & understand the whole story.
1 Corinthians 13:12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised IS FAITHFUL.
Run away. Searching for release; some relief
Will it always be this way?
What comes of hope? Longing for some trusted truth . . .
Take a breath and look to the light.
Friday, November 13, 2009
in His arms
i looked down at my little boy tonight - running nose & tear-streaked face. He was finally sleeping as i held him in my arms. He'd had a busy day . . . bouncing around in his jolly jumper, kicking about on the floor, being snuggled a little too tightly by his over-zealous 2-year old sister, and jostled through the supermarket in his front pack, amongst other activities. He was seriously short on some decent nap-time and was letting it be known that he was desperate for sleep. I'd fed him, changed his nappy, put him in his pj's & sleeping bag, and tucked him into his cot but he was still protesting. Loudly. Even having his bottom patted just wasn't going to cut it tonight. I picked him up, held him close, gently rocked him with a few 'shh, shh, shh's & smiled as i felt his body relax & his breathing become deep & even. Safe & secure in my arms, he slept.
As a child, I remember feeling safest & most secure when my dad was holding me in his arms. I don't know how old i was when i outgrew that phase but recall looking on enviously when my younger sister was still small enough to be held in that same way. I have found the last four months extremely challenging & wonder how the requirements & responsibilities of caring for my two small children can be so much greater than looking after and teaching a class of thirty ever was. And there have been times during this period when, exhausted & overwhelmed, i would have loved to just crawl into some bigger person's arms & be gently rocked with a few 'shh, shh, shh's, and, reassured that everything would be ok, fallen to sleep.
The love that i have for my children is like nothing i have ever experienced. It almost seems i have no choice in the matter; i can't help but love them. I worry about them, take pride in them, and sometimes obsess over them. i'm imperfect & maybe one day it will be more difficult than that. But I think about them more than they could know & i love them in a way that they could never love me. I think that perhaps i love my parents because of the love they have shown me, & my love for my husband is deepened by what he brings to our relationship. But my children - they don't have to do anything. I love them simply because they exist.
It is difficult to imagine someone loving me in that way. It is only in being a parent myself that i have had the smallest glimpse into the love that God says He has for me.
Ps 45 v 11 - the king is enthralled by your beauty, honour him for he is your Lord.
Zeph 3 v17 - the Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Psalm 139 vs 5,7-9, 17 & 18
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.17 How precious to [concerning] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
& i guess the greater difficulty is choosing to believe those words. That they are truth & that they are meant for me. That when I'm feeling stressed & overwhelmed, Someone Greater than me loves me simply because i exist & longs to pick me up, hold me close, gently rock me in His arms, whisper a few 'shh, shh, shh's & softly sing me to sleep.
I'm enthralled by your beauty, I think about you more than you could know . . .I'll pursue you 'til you know how precious you are to Me. I've cried so many tears for you. I've watched you from a distance & sometimes closer than your skin. I breathed & you were and still . . . I'm captivated by you.
As a child, I remember feeling safest & most secure when my dad was holding me in his arms. I don't know how old i was when i outgrew that phase but recall looking on enviously when my younger sister was still small enough to be held in that same way. I have found the last four months extremely challenging & wonder how the requirements & responsibilities of caring for my two small children can be so much greater than looking after and teaching a class of thirty ever was. And there have been times during this period when, exhausted & overwhelmed, i would have loved to just crawl into some bigger person's arms & be gently rocked with a few 'shh, shh, shh's, and, reassured that everything would be ok, fallen to sleep.
The love that i have for my children is like nothing i have ever experienced. It almost seems i have no choice in the matter; i can't help but love them. I worry about them, take pride in them, and sometimes obsess over them. i'm imperfect & maybe one day it will be more difficult than that. But I think about them more than they could know & i love them in a way that they could never love me. I think that perhaps i love my parents because of the love they have shown me, & my love for my husband is deepened by what he brings to our relationship. But my children - they don't have to do anything. I love them simply because they exist.
It is difficult to imagine someone loving me in that way. It is only in being a parent myself that i have had the smallest glimpse into the love that God says He has for me.
Ps 45 v 11 - the king is enthralled by your beauty, honour him for he is your Lord.
Zeph 3 v17 - the Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Psalm 139 vs 5,7-9, 17 & 18
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.17 How precious to [concerning] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
& i guess the greater difficulty is choosing to believe those words. That they are truth & that they are meant for me. That when I'm feeling stressed & overwhelmed, Someone Greater than me loves me simply because i exist & longs to pick me up, hold me close, gently rock me in His arms, whisper a few 'shh, shh, shh's & softly sing me to sleep.
I'm enthralled by your beauty, I think about you more than you could know . . .I'll pursue you 'til you know how precious you are to Me. I've cried so many tears for you. I've watched you from a distance & sometimes closer than your skin. I breathed & you were and still . . . I'm captivated by you.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
eyes always watching . . .
One thing i love about being a mum is the fact that i can be completely myself with my kids. I mean, with Bugsy, i can dance around the lounge to 'hi-five' like a crazy woman (i don't dance - not even in front of my husband) and she is absolutely delighted. I can make up silly songs that don't rhyme or really even make sense & she thinks they are the greatest songs in the world. & we love to laugh together loudly when one of us does a particularly musical 'parp'. I love the fact that she is still young enough to think that i am amazing. She watches me as i get ready in the morning & when i'm putting on my make-up, she wants 'pretty eyes' too. She has even started using expresions like 'cool man' or 'omygosh' - phrases she has learned from me. I've heard people say that kids are like sponges. Just soaking up; absorbing, everything they see & hear. & thats the problem isn't it? A couple of weeks ago i lost my temper & yelled (i mean YELLED) at my husband & used language that precious little ears should never be subjected to. The very same mother who is always saying 'in our family we don't use loud, shouting voices', when Bugsy gets over-excited or decides to throw a tantrum. Talk about confusing. When it was all over, I apologized to my husband but i also had to apologize to Bugsy. Which brings me to these verses:
It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin - Luke 17 v 2
Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly - James 3 v 1
And as parents of little kiddies, we are their teachers. And you can talk to them about values & the right way to behave until you're blue in the face. But they learn most about what you truely value by observing you in every day life. Conversations & interactions with your friends, the way in which you relate with your husband, what you choose to watch on t.v. or listen to on the radio when they're in your presence. Or how you handle situations when the pressure is on. Those verses are pretty heavy & its HARD. For me its the times like when i'm late for an appointment & stuck on the highway behind an old biddy who is convinced that the speed limit is not 100k at all, its 50. Or when i'm in the middle of cooking tea & one kid needs their nappy changed & the other one is eating the cat food. Sometimes i feel like wretched Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings' . . . "eyes always watching . . ." And i think it would be very tempting to just throw in the towel except for two facts. I have children who are very forgiving & a God who is unfailingly gracious, who 'arms me with strength & makes my way perfect' (Ps. 18 v 32).
It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin - Luke 17 v 2
Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly - James 3 v 1
And as parents of little kiddies, we are their teachers. And you can talk to them about values & the right way to behave until you're blue in the face. But they learn most about what you truely value by observing you in every day life. Conversations & interactions with your friends, the way in which you relate with your husband, what you choose to watch on t.v. or listen to on the radio when they're in your presence. Or how you handle situations when the pressure is on. Those verses are pretty heavy & its HARD. For me its the times like when i'm late for an appointment & stuck on the highway behind an old biddy who is convinced that the speed limit is not 100k at all, its 50. Or when i'm in the middle of cooking tea & one kid needs their nappy changed & the other one is eating the cat food. Sometimes i feel like wretched Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings' . . . "eyes always watching . . ." And i think it would be very tempting to just throw in the towel except for two facts. I have children who are very forgiving & a God who is unfailingly gracious, who 'arms me with strength & makes my way perfect' (Ps. 18 v 32).
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