Tuesday, October 26, 2010

a new identity

i'm breaking my rules tonight. This blog won't be about my children. It won't be an attempt at some well-constructed writing.  i just want to write a little bit about what is currently going on for me.  i am doing some growing & its really hard.  i'm struggling.  let me explain.
i was brought up in a Christian family. At 16 i saw so much hypocrisy in Christian circles & i was filled with doubt about the whole 'God' thing.  i remember i was at a crossroads - would i chose to continue following this Christian faith or would i walk away from it all & find my own way?  i was miserable at the time, empty & i felt like i had no direction.  i cried out to God one night, just a simple request - 'God, you got to help me 'cos otherwise i don't know what i'm gonna do . . . '  that was all.  Over the next few days i discovered a new peace, no big revelation or anything, just a quiet calm inside & something interesting when i read the Bible.  It came alive for me in a completely new way. it spoke to me. i came to the conclusion that a lot of Christians ARE hypocrites (maybe we all are?) but i wasn't following them. i was going to follow Jesus.  I chose Him. 
Through my late teens & early twenties i struggled with depression. I didn't think of it as depression at the time.  It didn't seem right that a Christian would batttle with depression.  But i did, i REALLY did. I had this bizarre situation where i felt so close to God, like He was so real & relevant in my life & yet i was so miserable & didn't want to be here.  i will share more about that some other time.  The amazing thing was that in my first year of marriage to my utter disbelief & joy, i came through it.  God really healed me in a lot of areas.  Last year i stood up in church & shared some of my story.  At the end i triumphantly announced that God had set me free! 
Then this year it all blew up in my face. i  found myself doubting whether i'd ever really been set free at all. i have to be honest, i have a pretty awesome life - a wonderful husband, two energetic, beautiful children. i love where i live, great friends . . . but .   But.
Perhaps, for the first time in several years things have slowed down somewhat.  Maybe i now have a little more time to sit & breath & reflect. Or maybe its just that God has His perfect timing to work things out? I'm sure there must be some Bible verse somewhere to support that statement.  And part of my dilemma is knowing whether or not God has put His finger on something, that He is allowing this, or that i'm struggling simply because i'm a bad person . .. or, i don't know. Regardless, i'm struggling.  All this stuff from years ago, coming up & shoving itself in my face, saying 'you have to deal with me now, whether you want to or not'. So inconvenient. Trying to learn how to forgive, & let go of anger, & allowing myself to feel some pain, instead of being numb. Its so hard.  I don't want to even admit pain, it makes me feel weak. I feel like i'm fighting all the time, & i'm tired. i'm going to finish there. No, i'm going to leave with a song i wrote years ago, which has become relevant  to my situation once again,  something i wrote the other day & some Bible verses to speak some truth into the situation.  I would value your input. Maybe you can speak some truth into this situation too.

When the darkness surrounds I'll hold on, hold on to you.
And when i don't know, just don't know why,
I'll hold on to you,
Right now i'm empty & i'm floating, will you hold on to me?
Right now my heart is grieving & i don't know why,
Will you hold on to me? 

Could you lead me, & will you follow me?
Will you guide me through this place, if I hold on, hold on to you?
I long to know your touch & i can't understand why i can't be with you
But i know thats not for now . . .
Jesus, you are everything to me, & even though i can't see
I'll put my trust in you, & i'll hold on
I'll wait on you, I'll wait for you, carry me through.

2 Corinthians 5 vs 17 -19 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.

i am broken into a thousand tiny pieces and i despair,
there's no hope, how can i ever be made whole?
but then you come along & gently gather up these pieces,
& you cover me with your hand of Grace
& now all you see when you look at me, clothed in righteousness,
is purity
& you call me your girl, cherished & loved
& cautiously i step out in my new identity

Colossians 3 vs 9-10 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self, with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

1 Phillipians vs 6  . . . he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.


  1. I am also a stay-at-home Christian Mum, and also struggle with depression... like you, I thought I had dealt with it - but unfortunately it has come back since the birth of my little girl and I now have the 'joy' of being watched by my Dr. due to PND.

    I don't know your situation, but I do know that it doesn't make us 'bad' Christians just because we struggle... it's just part of living in a fallen world. I had to learn to trust God with my hurts and anger years ago when He brought up a whole heap of stuff, and now once more I am slowly learning to do that again - this time though, it is harder to forgive myself; as I am scared of the effects this might have on my daughter.

    Hang in there, it's tough - but as we both know, the other side is so much sweeter once we break through (again)!


  2. Keep your head up Meg. You will get there. We are SOOOO overdue for a dinner and sounds like we both need a good cuppa and chat. Until then i will be praying for you.
    Love ya xo

  3. Meg,

    Even Jesus questioned his situation in life, asked God why he had forsaken Him. How can we expect to be more than Jesus is, when we can't even be remotely like Him in our own strength?

    I am not a mum, but I have struggled(and still sometimes do struggle) with depression.

    Perhaps God is using this time to reveal things to you that you hadn't quite dealt with. I know it can seem overwhelming and tiresome when you feel you have to try over and over and over again to sort through things, but it doesn't happen overnight.

    Sometimes when things have happened to us that we think we have moved on from, things happen that bring those memories back. With those memories comes fresh hurt. That doesn't make you a bad christian, it just means that each time it happens you are taking one step further from the old you, and one step closer to the you God is challenging you to become.

    Love you Meg, you are wonderful and we miss you at church.


  4. It always takes me by surprise when something I thought I had delt with (or maybe just buried?) rears it's head and messes me up again. And then it surprises me how many times that same 'mess' has helped me relate or given me insight into someone elses pain and hurt.
    I don't think we will ever have it all together and possibly people who look like they do are just really good at acting.
    I think it is important to have a way to let people in (speaking from experience here) so keep writing, keep talking.

  5. thanks so much to you all for your encouragement - all words of truth to hold on to. thanks for making the time to respond, it means a lot . . .

  6. Man I love this - so true what you say! I think there will never be a perfect Christina as we are all a bunch of human people trying to walk like Jesus - but when we look to Him we won't ever be let down.

    You rock!!