i'm breaking my rules tonight. This blog won't be about my children. It won't be an attempt at some well-constructed writing. i just want to write a little bit about what is currently going on for me. i am doing some growing & its really hard. i'm struggling. let me explain.
i was brought up in a Christian family. At 16 i saw so much hypocrisy in Christian circles & i was filled with doubt about the whole 'God' thing. i remember i was at a crossroads - would i chose to continue following this Christian faith or would i walk away from it all & find my own way? i was miserable at the time, empty & i felt like i had no direction. i cried out to God one night, just a simple request - 'God, you got to help me 'cos otherwise i don't know what i'm gonna do . . . ' that was all. Over the next few days i discovered a new peace, no big revelation or anything, just a quiet calm inside & something interesting when i read the Bible. It came alive for me in a completely new way. it spoke to me. i came to the conclusion that a lot of Christians ARE hypocrites (maybe we all are?) but i wasn't following them. i was going to follow Jesus. I chose Him.
Through my late teens & early twenties i struggled with depression. I didn't think of it as depression at the time. It didn't seem right that a Christian would batttle with depression. But i did, i REALLY did. I had this bizarre situation where i felt so close to God, like He was so real & relevant in my life & yet i was so miserable & didn't want to be here. i will share more about that some other time. The amazing thing was that in my first year of marriage to my utter disbelief & joy, i came through it. God really healed me in a lot of areas. Last year i stood up in church & shared some of my story. At the end i triumphantly announced that God had set me free!
Then this year it all blew up in my face. i found myself doubting whether i'd ever really been set free at all. i have to be honest, i have a pretty awesome life - a wonderful husband, two energetic, beautiful children. i love where i live, great friends . . . but . But.
Perhaps, for the first time in several years things have slowed down somewhat. Maybe i now have a little more time to sit & breath & reflect. Or maybe its just that God has His perfect timing to work things out? I'm sure there must be some Bible verse somewhere to support that statement. And part of my dilemma is knowing whether or not God has put His finger on something, that He is allowing this, or that i'm struggling simply because i'm a bad person . .. or, i don't know. Regardless, i'm struggling. All this stuff from years ago, coming up & shoving itself in my face, saying 'you have to deal with me now, whether you want to or not'. So inconvenient. Trying to learn how to forgive, & let go of anger, & allowing myself to feel some pain, instead of being numb. Its so hard. I don't want to even admit pain, it makes me feel weak. I feel like i'm fighting all the time, & i'm tired. i'm going to finish there. No, i'm going to leave with a song i wrote years ago, which has become relevant to my situation once again, something i wrote the other day & some Bible verses to speak some truth into the situation. I would value your input. Maybe you can speak some truth into this situation too.
When the darkness surrounds I'll hold on, hold on to you.
And when i don't know, just don't know why,
I'll hold on to you,
Right now i'm empty & i'm floating, will you hold on to me?
Right now my heart is grieving & i don't know why,
Will you hold on to me?
Could you lead me, & will you follow me?
Will you guide me through this place, if I hold on, hold on to you?
I long to know your touch & i can't understand why i can't be with you
But i know thats not for now . . .
Jesus, you are everything to me, & even though i can't see
I'll put my trust in you, & i'll hold on
I'll wait on you, I'll wait for you, carry me through.
2 Corinthians 5 vs 17 -19 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.
i am broken into a thousand tiny pieces and i despair,
there's no hope, how can i ever be made whole?
but then you come along & gently gather up these pieces,
& you cover me with your hand of Grace
& now all you see when you look at me, clothed in righteousness,
& you call me your girl, cherished & loved
& cautiously i step out in my new identity
Colossians 3 vs 9-10 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self, with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
1 Phillipians vs 6 . . . he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.